And then there was him husband number 1. He was charming, funny, perfect and amazing looking. I had fought for my place with him first clue I should have turned around and ran like the wind. I was young, I was head over heels in love and he was the biggest narcassistic asshole I ever met in my life which made him all the more attractive because every woman wanted him and he "wanted " me or so my hormone addled brain thought. In the place of my bliss I walked down the aisle with him my family loved him, friends loved him and I "loved him"
More like lust but who know these things til later reflections. Of course he was the perfect gentleman like all his kind and it wasn't til I uttered the words I do that I got to see the true colors of this man.
First it started with segregation from friends his own sister fell victim of this. First it was spend time with me, then it was I need you hear to help with the little one he had custody of his son from his first marriage this was clue number 2 I ignored. Then it was no I don't want you to go to the bar you are a married woman now. Before I realized it I had no social life but hey I was in love right!?
It only got worse from here in fact had I paid attention to the early signs I would have known I was in trouble. Next he needed me not to work because daycare was expensive a rational argument but another warning sign since the narcassist needs his victims alone and dependent on him it feeds them making them feel more important.
Once I had no job or money of my own he advanced to the next level which included telling me how lazy I was for not working in the first place. The house was spotless, food on the table, his son was fed,dressed and safe but I was lazy in fact if I was watching TV when he got home I was accused of "sitting on my fat ass all day" while he worked. Requests for money for household items were denied my bank card removed from my possession and no car left at home for appointments or shopping which again was my fault because I was irresponsible.
Now understand this is what this type of abuser does they take you apart piece by piece and make you feel like you are loosing your mind, even the sanest of women begin to question if they are truly sane at all. They use every word against you, they tell you no one will ever love you like they do and truly no one will which is a GOOD thing. You don't want their love you don't want anything from them.
Next came the worst part of this for me the taunts about my looks and my body. Some narcassists use real life people to compare their victim to, not mine, mine used pictures. Not just models in their underware but adult movie stars and models with their fake boobs and their chiseled abs. Blonde beauties that were breathtakingly curvy and he would say to me "why can't you look like that one or this one" or "if only you had their body, their ass, their boobs I wouldn't need these pictures". Honestly I was never the image of perfect I had been overweight since I was a kid. It however never affected my self image as all the women in my family were on the chunky side except my mom. Having my confidence torn to shreds was the worst thing that could ever have happened to me. I fell into a depressive state and like most women found myself face first in the midst of an eating disorder. I became a binge eater often eating excessive amounts of food but never actually purging it. I would eat and eat until I felt better which many times I didn't for days or weeks later. Of course when you binge like I was you gain incredible amounts of weight which I did.
Tommorows Blog: They journey back
